Witch’s Cauldron – Subiaco

A warning for the faint-hearted. Don’t get into this mischief if you can’t handle it. In other words, if you can’t take the heat, get out of the cauldron!

DING-DING-DING-DING-DING WARNING: WITCH ALERT DING-DING

Subiaco is filled with cafes and restaurants, so in order to stand out an establishment has to be truly unique and inviting.  The Witch’s Cauldon achieves this with a combination of warm decor, great service, delicious food, and lots of depictions of witches. If you get this feeling you’re being watched by a witch, you probably are.

Fatty: Oh, tell me about it! It was positively creepy! If I wasn’t used to the strange and mysterious forest, I might have been worried my food would turn me into a toad!

Money: I see what you mean Fatty, but then again, once we met the waiter I for one certainly felt much more at ease. He was so helpful and calm. The restaurant was laid out with sophisticated cutlery, crisp white tablecloths, well-designed menus; and the furniture and wall decor was of a comparable quality. When the food arrived, there was no question of whether it was full of evil potions. It was MAGICALLY good!

I'll pour my stew on you!

Fatty: Money, you weren’t even there. This was a solo adventure. That’s why it was so creepy! Though you’re right, it was actually quite hard to feel worried about the occult theme (though I wouldn’t bring my pentecostal church-going friends here, they might think we were here to worship satan) – it was presented in a most sophisticated yet light-hearted manner. Just like that movie we’re in.

I think I just might... drink this flat white...

Fatty: If you look up, you’ll find a picture of me with a cup of coffee. It’s a flat white. Nothing out of the ordinary here. Moving along…

Money: Wait! What did it taste like? Was it served with punctuality and aplomb?

Fatty: They didn’t serve it with a plum. It was frothy, but not too frothy. the taste was rich but not overpowering, and so on and so forth. I would rate it a -

Money: Hold your horses, there’ll be time enough for that later. What else did you drink? You were quite the little piggy at the Witch’s Cauldron, weren’t you?

Fatty: Yes yes, I drank an espresso over ice too! I was so impressed I nearly dropped my monocle, so to speak. They served the espresso in its usual small cup, a glass of ice in a short tumbler, and, the piece de resistance, a pair of ice-tongs! Oh happy day! Never again need I pour ice from my glass! Nor pluck it inelegantly with my claws! I could die with joy…

Depresso? Don't stresso - have an espresso!

I was delighted with the food too.  I began with a frothy, moist baked vanilla cheesecake, decorated with a raspberry coulis, and accompanied by a little pot of decadent double cream, topped with a single fresh mint leaf. The biscuit crust was crunchy, the cake was frothy and moist, the cream and coulis made a tantalizing counterpart. The cake was frothy and moist. It was probably the best cheesecake I’ve eaten in all my years! Any sensible totoro would have been quite satisfied, but I simply couldn’t help myself, I just had to taste the Icky Sticky Date Pudding.

Money: You grotesque animal! You foul beast! How could you!

Fluffy and light/ I think I might/ Just take a bite/ In my mouth and out of sight!

Fatty: Oh but I did… and needless to say I didn’t regret it in the slightest. The pudding was a testament to great food, to great dining, to the Great Wall of China. No, not that. Served with mint leaves and a partially sliced strawberry, and a jug of simmering butterscotch sauce on the side, this was a dessert to be reckoned with. I reckon it was pretty darn good.

Enough butterscotch sauce to last forever.

Money: Well I hope you didn’t fill yourself so much you didn’t fit out the doorway, Fatty. Just look at you, it’s a disgrace.

I'll use your toenails to make a love potion!

Fatty: Oh I fitted through the door, and right into the waitress! Ooooh baby! Sorry, that was out of line. The waitress was lovely though, and gave me a warm comforting hug. What an unexpectedly pleasant experience, when I was expecting ghouls and poltergeists.

 

THE LOWDOWN SMACKDOWN:

• Food: The food was amazing! 9/10
• Drinks: 9/10
• Service: 8/10
• Prices: Very expensive, but probably appropriate7/10
• Ambiance: 8/10
• Total: 41/50 – 8.2/10

Money: Oh god she’s in my room! she’s putting a spell on me! Oh no, it’s a transmogrifying spell! I’m going to turn into a toad! Help me fatty! Heeelllllp Heeelll—

Rudy’s (Claremont)

The problem with Rudy’s is that it tries too hard. Well trying hard wouldn’t really be a problem if it tried and succeeded, but since all endeavor is ultimately futile anyway, there’s not much chance of that now. Is there?

Look at the name of this restaurant. It is the main point of the photo; if you don't look at the name, the photo will have been in vain.

Most aspects of the restaurant were delightful.

• A stunning menu
• Bold choice of music (funk)
• Enthusiastic and friendly staff
• Many interesting (and unfortunately incompatible) elements of art and décor.

Fatty: The experience kicked off with a strong Italian theme. Red, white, and green subtly intruding into the evening in the form of light shades, structural elements, and artwork. Maybe this isn’t such of a problem in general, however, the menu isn’t strictly Italian by any stretch of the imagination, and these days nationalism leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

The highlight of the evening was potentially the staff who, as enumerated, were both friendly and enthusiastic. It’s hard to restrain your lust for life when confronted with the most precocious of woodland trolls, but something tells me that this exuberance has, and will, be maintained all year round. A plethora of horseplay, jokes, anecdotes, and bright smiles were not overwrought, and so roundly appreciated.

If you’ll let me, I’ll tell you a story of a chance encounter I had with a traveling salesman. I too was on a journey, as I was heading from Michigan to Louisiana. How I ended up in Chicago is another story altogether. The evening was drawing to a close as I desperately tried to find some accommodation. A growing storm served as encouragement when I entered a hotel by the outer harbor. Once again my hopes of finding a bed were dashed as the clerk “Vincent” informed me that they were out of rooms. He must have noticed my desperation though, as he hesitated, and then told me that there might be an opportunity to stay for free, as it were, if I were willing to share a room with his friend who was also staying there gratis. It was a perk of the job to receive accommodation, I found, and Vincent rarely needed to take advantage of this. Therefore he had let his friend make sure that the opportunity din’t go to waste. His friend’s name was Quinn. An odd name that I wouldn’t soon forget. He was “a citizen of the world” as I learned. He didn’t have a permanent country of residence. Even more bizarrely than that, he had somehow made it into America without a passport.

He assured me that his friend would not mind in the slightest if he had a sudden unexpected roommate. “It’s just how he is”. He handed me a room-key “654″ and told me that, as long as I didn’t damage anything, there should be no problems staying here for up to three days if need be. I told Vincent that one night would almost certainly be sufficient, thanked him repeatedly, and then prepared myself to meet Quinn and made my way up the stairs to level 6. I approached room 54 with the air of false confidence that one can only muster when prepared in advance to meet a complete stranger with whom you will be living with (even if temporarily). I opened the door cautiously and looked around the room. Well… Quinn was not in. It had appeared that he was out on the town at present, so I did my best to put it out of my mind. I threw myself exhausted on one of the beds, and promptly fell into a deep sleep.

… Is what this monacled man might proffer:

Tally bally wot wot.

Jap: And now – Food.

You know that you are in good company when the menu, in a somewhat understated fashion offers up a tantalizing suggestion – “Rabbit”:

Whaaaaa?

The rabbit was a little dry, but only enough to casually remind me from time to time, that I was not, in fact, in heaven, but sitting in a restaurant. The accompanying drink was also a spiritual experience. It was a latte infused with ammaretto. I later found that this is, for some strange reason, referred to as an “amaretto latte”. Whatevs. These two tantalizing treats were individually outstanding, however, in this combination the partnership was unfortunately somewhat less than the sum of its parts. The sweet milky almond most assuredly clashed with the caramelized citrus textures of the duck-dish. This was entirely my own fault, as I was the one who made such a bizarre request. I would have liked my waiter to point out that I might be making a mistake, but I suppose that either caution won the day and he decided to follow the golden rule “the customer is always right”, or (and I hope this is incorrect) he simply did not know that the two choices would be incompatible.

Yum.

Fatty: Apple Pie! You can’t go wrong with good old apple pie, except if the pastry is dry or soggy, or the apple is mushy, or there isn’t enough cinnamon in it, or the slice falls apart when you serve it. Luckily, none of these things occurred! Oh happy day! This was a good pie indeed! The icecream was good (a nice big scoop too!), and the little strawberries on the side were a lovely touch.

Why is this table number has coke on?

Jap: Exhibit A.

Rudy… Are you aware of the term “Product Placement”? Don’t answer that. It’s a rhetorical question. I’m sure you know what product placement is, just as I’m sure you know that it is always less subtle than desired, always comes across as tacky, as a failed attempt at shrewdness, and never really dissociates from the memory of the occasion upon which it intruded.

Rudy, I hope you were lucratively compensated for this indiscretion. I hope you made more than you will lose in the hearts and minds of your customers. I really do. I don’t think you’re a bad person, just misguided. I hope you were thoroughly compensated… But. Somehow I doubt this. I think you were swindled. I think you truly didn’t realize what you were getting yourself into until it was too late. You probably even made yourself a slave to corporate consumerism for the mockery of a reward: “Free Table Numbers”.

Now I know. I know you acted within the bounds of the law. Well the law is and always will be an ass. You might walk out of this courtroom “innocent” of any crime our society has deemed to put down in legislature, but we both know that you have violated a higher ethical, no, moral code. So go. Walk free. You will always know what you have done…

I despair for mankind.

Your honor. I rest my case.

Fatty: Except that there is one more thing, your honor. Did you ever visit a sophisticated establishment with such disappointing bathroooms? I could hardly bear to visit them! Please consider this in your verdict!

 

What a disappointment.

Fatty: And how about the drinks? Jap has already waxed lyrical about the amaretto latte but I did have a sip, and let me tell you… Iced coffee. Drink of kings. And overweight Totoros.  It was creamy, strong, icy, no cream on top (I’m not sure how I feel about that) – all round, quite tasty but nothing to rave on about.

Amaretto. Maybe.

Jap is right to grin - what an amazing drink.

Drinks are drinks, but food is food. What is drinks though? Peppermint tea is drinks. This is a fact. Facts are food. Food for the mind.

To describe the cookie would be to defile the cookie.

Jap: It’s easy to get carried away with delicious dining delights. It’s easy to forget our fallen brethren. The true heros of this once proud nation. But once. Just this once. Let’s remember the ANZACs.

They were absolutely delicious. It’s true, the cookie could have been tastier. But that would require it to have come fresh out of the oven. Since these deserts were, understandably, pre-made. There wasn’t much chance of this happening.

Fatty: Good lord Jap, it looks like there’s some commotion going on in the restaurant! Shall we call the police?

Jap: Quiet Fatty, it’s no drama, that man is just giving his colleague a massage. That’s the kind of friendly place this is! Maybe a little too friendly?

Never you mind.

Then again the friendliness could just be a facade for a surprise attack – it looks like Rudy’s is preparing for war! Here’s their shield, shining defiantly, ready to deflect the blows of even the mightiest food critics! Watch out Jap, we’re in for a real fight here!

What if it was a coat of arms, which are made of coats?

They can’t stop us having a good hard stare at the offensively bad flooring though. What is this, a concrete factory? Step up your game, or get a real job!

This floor ruined the whole ambiance of the place.

But I am too harsh, just look at those gentle eyes and ask yourself: can you really hate a man who loves Totoro with all his heart and soul? His food may be only a little above average, his iced coffees might not have cream on them, but his heart is made of solid gold and so we must forgive him his little shortcomings. Thank you Mr Rudy!

 

Only to be thwarted by the neko-basu.

 

Food+Totoro=AMAZING!

Here is a little something from our esteemed colleagues at www.myfoodlooksfunny.com. Hope you all like it as much as we do!

Totoro and his forest friends are going on an adventure TO YOUR STOMACH.

Too-rah!

A Three-part adventure in Northbridge – Emma’s Seafood, Kurb Gallery, Cnr Cafe.

Green Guy: Welcome!

Piracy... I mean privacy... is available here. Private booths are available *wink*

To the glorious Chinese restaurant ”Emma’s Dim Sum Restaurant”

An empire of vast and unimaginable flavours and scents. Where the visual landscape is replaced (augmented) by undulating plains of exotic tastes and towering mountains of soup or something.

“You can’t tell me what to do” is a phrase you might offer up when I tell you that you should visit, but believe me; Don’t push it buddy. You should go here and try new things once in a while. Full Stop.

What to eat? I can't decide! So much choice I can't abide!

Money: What?? Green Guy… You look a little odd… Are you feeling okay?

Green Guy: Never-mind the strange and frightening events that took place not too long ago whereupon my corporal existence has been hijacked. Here is a Totorocafe review:

As I arrive at the place of entry for Emma’s Dim Sum Restaurant I was struck with an awesome reverence for the artistic mastery of the builders and architects that designed the façade of this restaurant.  I’m not sure if it was out of respect, or mere absent-mindedness but I neglected to Photo-optically store the occasion on this instance. Luckily I could just take an arbitrary image off Google.

Never-mind the boring building, the food is what is it about? Yes.

1. Soup
2. Rice
3. Pork
4. Wonton
5. Beef

The five elements of the Chink-Cuisine.

When combined in various ways an alchemical reaction transmogrifies your boring existence into a wonderful delirium!

The soup was free, so using the equation:

value-for-money = quantity . (times) quality / price

the soup was excellent value for money. What do you say Money?

Don't jump, you've got so much to live for!

Money: I say I say I say! That seems like a water-tight equation if ever I saw one. It makes me want to just jump right into the soup and say “To hell with it all!” to the rest of our nonsensical society. But it’s Green Guy that’s doing the jumping. Lucky me! But wait, don’t worry Green Guy, there are things to live for still, like –

Look out Green Guy, you're being kidnapped!

Chopstick abduction! Haha no, don’t worry, you’re going on the latest carnival ride – THE CHOPS. All the kids are raving about it. So much so that… well… never mind. Just read this sign to relax yourself a little:

It reads, "Do not eat in here, it offends".

Jap: Ahhh! My food has arrived, and it appears to be peppery beef, just like I ordered! What a relief! Oh yes, this is happening in the past, I already knew that I got the peppery beef. This is just a blog of the occasion. Still, a relief that peppery beef came out in the photo and not something else. That would be creepy. Yum.

Pepper. Beef.

And Green Guy is back from his ride. Where’s he landed?

Green Guy: Gosh, I’m on the edge of a bowl of noodle-wonton-soup! No better place to be I suppose. Except maybe in a room full of naked virgins. Except this is better than that.

Noodle yourself an injury if you're not careful!

Allla!!!!!

You might not be able to tell that this is a wall.

Money: You guys haven’t let me get a word in edgewise! Now it’s time to have my say! Because sometimes I think you people go overboard and don’t think before you say what you have to say, and that’s just thoughtless and probably unwise. So hear this:

“Lo, there upon yon table stoodeth mine feast, and I didst behold it. It was warm liketh mine mothers bosom, and refreshing as the winter’s first snow upon a leopard. Eat not here if thy taste deserveth it not, for it shalt be reserved for only the finest of diners!”

Oh, that was some serious hyperbole.

Apply (that's apple-y, not apply) lemons.

Wow.

Time for..... Aaaaaaaart-hour with FATTY!

And now, in the absence of our esteemed art director and devout Christian Fatty Boombalatty, I will review this good art.

A timeless piece of modern mischief hung (like so many others) in the Kurb Gallery. Now the classically trained art connoisseur may gaff at this work for its lack of spacial depth, and undefined edges of the rendered animal (sloth). They may even be left agape at the concept of a sloth picking flowers, or the poor anatomical resemblance to sloths found in the wild. Well damn and blast them. Sometimes the old guard of classical aesthetics should be keel-hauled and drowned along with so many fish:

1. Cute.
2. Trippy – like woah.
3. Sloth is the main subject.
4. Flower present.
5. Pretty big.

That, frankly is all I need to know.

10/10

This is what the "front" of the cafe looks like.

Now have you ever seen a cafe looking so fine my darling? If only you took care of yourself like she does! You could learn a thing or two from this cafe! *slap!* This is Cnr Cafe. Take note.

It's 1971, the Vietnam war is raging. And somewhere in a little kitchen in Northbridge, a romance is brewing...

Money: Well I never! Here in the least expected of places I have stumbled across something of an amazing character. Look upon it! It is a cake, but not like any other. Hazelnut bedecks its surface, but hidden in its depths lurk an ominous spectre – the mighty Inspector Rex! And some cinnamon. They are synonymous. Synominous. Synomnomnom.

Beer and whiskey will make you frisky. Mint and choc will give you a shock!

And here’s that same cake again next to something of an atrocity – a milkshake too warm for the likes of any gentleman, and too large for a child! Too small for a giant, to whom is this beverage addressed? To no one I can think of. It was something like a choc-mint-surprise but the surprise was that it was too warm.

Not all floors are equal. This one is equally as good as another floor that looks the same though.

Green Guy: Wow, what’s that written all over the floors? I can’t make sense of it at all! Some have suggested it might be a message from an intelligent alien race. But I disagree.  In the end, who cares?

Hello, my nickname is Jap. You may know me as Japtholemeu Japopapoly.

Jap: In the end, what matters is that the cake is tasty, the service is good, and the art is…

Captain! Get me the President! We have a situation! A cafe one!

…well there’s a lot of it. Not all good, but it’s only for a cafe, not a gallery or anything. Give it a break!

*grin* chai!

Mmmmmmmmmm chai. What more can I say? Lots more probably.

C-actus in the C-theata.

Money: I do like to see a good old cactus in a cafe. A cafe without a cactus is like a home without a heart. Half.

Foreground: Milkshake, Green Guy. Background: cake, Jap.

Dear Green Guy: grow up!

A bare bulb is like a bald head, not always a bad thing, but it has to be pulled off with class.

And here is what you will see when you walk into the cafe – a brightly-lit counter, with the addition of some friendly staff (hopefully). Bare light-bulbs seem to be in fashion at the moment. With reason! Look at them glowing!

Prince, in his telltale glory.

And the only thing that will ever glow brighter than the light from all those light-bulbs is the shining glorious god we call “Prince”. More like KING. What a man. Give him a round of applause!

And noooooooowwwwww…..

TOTAL = 7. VERY GOOD.

Havana – East Perth

Havana, Cuba – “The City of Big Cigarettes”.

Money: Well jangle my coins Fatty! I thought we were in Perth, but bless my lucky stars – We’re abroad! I never would have believed it if it weren’t true, but here we are in Havana – “The Land that Time Forgot”!

Fatty: You silly billy! We are in Perth! This is just Havana Cafe in East Perth! Would you believe anything if it were written in a Good Solid Font?

You could be forgiven for thinking you were in Cuba.

Money: Well, now that you mention it, I do have a certain degree of gullibility when pseudo-facts are presented to me in a bold fashion… Sorry about the delays, the trains have been postponed due to an explosion… of flavor!

Paramedics: Report to taste-bud lane for emergency cleanup!

Fidel's gates! What are we gonna do?

Fatty: Don’t worry, I think I know just the remedy…

I say chaps, a lot.

Now wouldn’t that fine smooth Vienna coffee go down a treat? Better drink up now before the poor gingerbread fella drowns. He’s already having nightmares about it – he’s losing his mind, you can see it in his latest work:

Picasso was Cuba.

Money: Phew! That was some heavy stuff going on there. I think we all need to chill out and enjoy our drinks.

I can't quite see what that is on my head, can you lend me a periscope?

Fatty: I wish I could chill, but the heat is on! On my head! And by heat I mean gingerbread man! Do you ever wonder how the gingerbread-man evolved? Did it evolve from the gingerbread-erectus, or the cro-magnum-gingerbread-man? Some fundamentalist Christians no-doubt believe that he didn’t evolve at all, but was created by god 7000 years ago to run faster than the fastest you could run! WHATEVER.

Tonight on Art Hour With Fatty: Fatty with some art.

Fatty: Hello, and welcome to Art-Hour with Fatty. I’m your host: Fatty Boombalatty. Today we’re privileged to be privy to my astute observations surrounding the Cuban Cubists (an art movement that time forgot). Among the key players in this field, Trotskovsky has stood the test of time, and the test of strength. “As strong as an ox” you ask? At least “as” if not “stronger”! This shining light of darkness and brooding casts an ominous shadow on the post-post-futurist-cubist-enlightenment, and with that, as if with all things, is begotten not only into its own, but in the broader sense as well, comes into play in the past, the present, who knows what the future holds?

These two works highlight a concept that is often given less credance than it deserves in the art-world: “Ambidextrous-cubism”. Some may argue that the hand that paints is of little importance, but as they say: “don’t bight the hand that feeds you… idiot”. Like many others, the artist discerns the bounderies of reality and the void with a precision unparallelled in any other field. Some may call it uncanny. Are you game enough to step into the ring and contradict not only them, but also themselves?

A tall order.

Not just prawns and rice - so much more.

Fatty: Yummy! I like shellfish!

Hey there little girl, if you're feeling blue, eat some Italian potato goodness to warm your aching heart.

Money: If you think you can just warm up a nice can of veggies and get the same kind of quality you see here, well. You better have a bloody good can of veggies. Just look at this gnocchi! Absolutely stunning, what it lacks in quantity, it more than makes up for in quality! Why do you mock me with your tiny portions ”expensive-restaurants”? Man cannot subsist on deliciousness alone if it comes in sufficiently small quantities!

~ Bless my aching soul.

~ I wish there was a little more pasta…

~ To go in this pasta bowl (plate).

Luckily, there is enough to review!

Money (reviewing):

• Food: Delicious. Some of the greatest contemporary food of our time! Not enough though… – 8.8/10
• Service: Good solid service with a good solid smile. The staff were more pro-active that even the most ardent pro-activist wait-staff of our time! – 9/10
• Prices: Much too high! $14 for a coffee? $28 for gnocchi? Are you kidding? – 4/10
• Ambiance: Very good. Water, grass, art, shiny thing, clean things, pretty dog (Jack-Russel). – 9/10 (loses a point for orange fenced off bit of ground across the lake)
• Drinks: Very tasty coffee, free water in a cool receptacle. Good-o. – 8.5/10
• Total: 7.86/10

Not every canal gets a steamboat.

Fatty:

• Food: Tiger prawn risotto. I was less impressed with this food than I should have been considering how much I paid for it. The risotto itself was delicious, but the prawns – supposedly the apex of the meal – were tough and un-juicy. There was something else in there too – maybe really soft octopus? I don’t know… It was quite palatable though. 6.5/10
• Drinks: Hot white chocolate. Oh god yeah… 10/10
• Service: Very good. 8/10
• Prices: A bit steep. Paid $30 for my mains and it was not totally filling.
• Ambiance: Lovely. Don’t know what Money was talking about with the whole orange fency thing, all I saw was a beautiful steam boat! 9/10
• Total: 8.375/10

Grand-Total: 8.1175

Money: ~ Bye!

Fatty: ~ Byeeee!

Icy Ice (Victoria Park)

Feeling blue?

~ Everybody gets the blues baby.

~ Haven’t you heard the news baby?

~ So sit on down, listen to the DJ.

~ Lean on over and give me some Icy Ice!

A meeting of worlds... the forest guys and the tundra guy CAN be together, if they truly love one another...

Blue lighting. It can make things feel a little spooky, like some sort of ghost-Antarctica. When you get used to it though, it just adds to the very unique ambiance of the place. And while it looks cold and scary, the staff are really lovely.

Yum Jap! This is like eating a frozen peanut.

Fatty: Lychee flavoured Snow Ice. You won’t find anything like it. Except the other flavours of Snow Ice, or the same flavour of other kinds of ice. Really, try it, it’s flaky, but not in the annoying way your friends are.

Jap: I think you’ll find that Icy-Ice runs from mains power, and that’s on the record! Imagine if it ran on AA batteries, or even pedal-power. The whole point is that it wouldn’t be possible at all.  Peanut is an odd flavor for ice-cream, but this isn’t technically ice-cream, so broaden your horizons and give it a go! You Beauty!

Ice-icecream.

~ Icy, Icy, Icy-Ice.

~ Twice as nice as paradise!

~ If I could travel far away,

~ To an icy land for half a day,

~ I’d jet-set over to ghost-Antarctica (not even thinking twice),

~ I’d put on my snow-boots, parker and goggles,

~ and eat my fill of Icy-Icy-Icy-Ice!

What's that above Jap? What's that above Fatty?

Watash-Wa Genki! – “I am cold!”

Hexagonal. Diabolical.

Now take a look at the happy-snap below. Doesn’t it just make your heart melt? I don’t think they are an actual family, but maybe? I can’t imagine that they’re not because they look so lovely together. And here I am with Jap in the middle of it all, feeling oh-s0-loved. What a team!

The gang of four attack another design pattern: Ice!

In conclusion:

Fatty:

• Food: Lychee snow-ice, yum! – 9/10
• Service: Excellent – 9/10
• Ambiance: Can’t fault it – 9/10
• Total: 9/10

Jap:

• Food: Not really main-course material, but then I suppose it’s not trying to be… is it? – 9/10
• Service: Have you noticed the wonderful aesthetics of that last photograph? It can’t be a coincidence! – 9/10
• Ambiance: GHOST ANTARCTICA!! ~Woooooo O__O – 9/10
• Total: Franchise, so – 8.0 / 10

Grand-Total: 8.5 / 10

The Wild Fig Café (Watermans Bay)

Well well, what… have… we… HERE?

The Wild Sign

If you’re driving along the coast, looking for a place to sit back and enjoy the view, maybe have a drink or two, maybe eat some vegetarian soup, stop at the wild fig. There you will find the answer. Maybe there isn’t any vegetarian soup, but if there was and it was here, you could eat it and it would probably be quite nice. 5/5!

When you arrive, please don’t be put off by all the signs telling you what to do. They mean well:

PLEASE NO ANIMALS PERMITTED INSIDE ALFRESCO AREA THANK YOU

What? No "Please"?

If you make it past level one (the sign level), you may be greeted by the first boss. She’s easy to defeat because she is vulnerable to water attack. So no stress! But look out, she has pots that she wields and she can foil your attempts to obtain food by not writing it on her order form.

It's me, and you and half the world against us, but we'll make it if we believe in love!

You defeat her with love. Or water attacks. The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

Don’t let your guard down just yet – a band of five braggards is hiding around the corner. You can convince them to let you be if you say the password which you got from the old man at the pier.

Joe, Jeoff, John, Jim, and James.

HA! As if! This is NOT an adventure game, get back to the real world. It’s a cafe/restaurant, and you’re here to do business, so take it a little more seriously, please. The five “braggards” are just a painting, the waitress is just a waitress, and for God’s sakes, just ignore the damn signs!

And now, onto something with more food in it -

Jap's last supper... NOT!

Cheesecake is not like life, exactly… It is quite similar in that, when left to its own devices, it will go off and need to be replaced with some unspoiled cheesecake, but aside from that, the two are completely different. Also, sweet on top, sweet in the middle, pastry on the bottom and the sides, which can also be quite sweet. Life is sweet. And if you have shortbread pastry… it is short and sweet.

I think that about covers it, and then you put some kind of berry-sauce flourish thing on the plate, and on the cake… Good.

- Jap’s Notes from the Underground.

The reeeeaaaaaal deeeeeaaaaal... I hate that color...

Fatty: That was an enthralling chapter. I could just read it over and over. I could read it as many times as i could eat this dessert – hopefully only once. Not that it was bad dessert, you’d just hope they’d give you a fresh one. Now, was it a cake? Was it a pudding? Was it biscuits? It was all that and more… there was icecream too. Ideal if you can’t make up your mind.

Oh Fatty. I can't contain my emotion any longer... I LOVE POKÉMON!

Do you think we’re looking a little fatter after all that? We’re full to the brim with satisfaction.  But maybe we could just fit in one more little….

Not boats, spices. A spicy steamed cider.

warm spiced cider? Oh the delight! It tantalizes the taste-buds, it tantalizes the eye-buds, it tantalizes the mind-buds, it makes you just tingle inside! Maybe don’t eat the bits though.

But just say you did eat one of those cloves or whatever you call that, and maybe you’re choking on it, and maybe no one will help you, what could you do? You could look up a website on medicine and learn how to cure your ailment. And this is no hypothetical situation – you can get your internet right then and there.

It's free internet... freenternet.

What is a cake? Who designed the pastry pie? Which direction is New-England? How many roses in a bunch? What’s for lunch? Cake? Muffins? Tarts? People say that I got my idea for flying using an umbrella from Mary Poppins… Balderdash!

Cake 1, Cake 2, Cake 2, Tart 1, Tart 2, Muffin 1...

Nice facial expressions: “Err, really?”, “Yeaaaah Nigga!”. These faces really tell a story that’s a bit far fetched. All the way from New-England or somesuch…

What is the attraction to cafés anyway?

What’s the attraction to cafés anyway? What’s the difference between a band and a hedge-fund? Who invented the scallop? What’s in a box? Who CARES? Stupid questions get stupid answers: Double Dragon!

Flower-power, people-power, solar-power.

If you look carefully you can spot the hidden guitarist. What’s he hiding from? You? I wouldn’t blame him. But don’t let that get you down, look at that view ^_^

The Low-down:

Fatty:

• Food: Chocolate pudding, almond biscuits, berry icecream – 8/10
• Drink: Hot Chocolate – 7/10
• Service: If you like service that starts off bad, lowering your expectations, and then improves so that you feel like you’re getting extra special treatment, this is for you! – 6/10
• Internet: Has – 7/10
• Ambience: Good, but they should take off the plastic blinds that obscure the ocean view – 7/10
• Toe-tail: 7/10

Jap:

• That’s me…
• Food: Good food is hard to come by. And this food took quite a bit of effort to get to. Enough said – 9/10
• Drink: Chai (HOW BORING), Steamed cider (FUCK YEAH!) – 9/10
• Service: Bad, then good. o_O – 7/10
• View: Sunset Coolavarde – 9/10
• Totalaro: 8.25 / 10

GLAND POTATOTAL: 7.125 / 10

C15 (South Perth)

What are the chances? Gotta be a million to one!

Jap:

1. Looked like a franchise, but wasn’t.
2. Served milkshakes in a regular glass.
3. Nothing interesting.

If you want an experience to remember, if you want excitement and exhilaration, if you’re chasing thrills, you need….

Got coffee? Got books? You got the look. (You got the look. But they don't have books.)

Coffee at C15?

No. You should go skydiving or something. If you want a pleasant place to sit and drink coffee and maybe catch up with a friend though, this place will probably suit your needs.

Jap and a coffee in C15. Know what I mean?

Fatty: Gosh Jap, you sure look pretty happy about that coffee!

Jap: It’s quite simple: I’m high as a kite!

Sluuuurrrrrrrrrp. Buuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrp.

… Not on drugs, but on life you see? How’s that milkshake going? I heard you weren’t up to the task but you sure proved me wrong!

Fatty: Where’d you hear that malarky? I’m the supreme master of milkshakes! The buddha of bubbly beverages, the emperor of aerated appetizers! …sometimes I pass out if I drink them too fast though, and have to be carried to bed by a helpful brown man…

Hugs are better than drugs. Remember that kiddys.

Jap: Wow! We didn’t get many photos at all this time…

Good thing I have a good memory!

Jap:

• Staff: All right. 4.5/10
• Prices: Ok. 6/10
• Atmosphere: 5/10
• Food: Meh, 6/10
• Beverages: 7/10
• Customers: I think I saw someone cool… Sean Penn? 7/10
• Total: 5.9ninenine out of 10

Fatty:

• Staff: All right. 4.5/10
• Prices: Ok. 6/10
• Atmosphere: 4/10
• Food: Meh. 6/10
• Beverages: 7/10
• Customers: 6/10
• Total: 5.6

TOTARRRRR: 5.75

Mill Point Caffe Bookshop (South Perth)

~ Running through a forrest tunnel mad as a hatter ~

~ Keep eating acorns ’till you get a little fatter ~

Fatty what have you been eating!!?!?!

This week we bring you Mill Point Caffe Bookshop. A treasure-trove of sights and delights, no dogs, but love abounds in this princedom of avocado and pumpkin.

TL;DR: 6.1/10

It really is obvious isn’t it? Where else on Mill Point Road would you eat when this caffe tells you in plain and simple english: “This is the Mill Point Caffe Bookshop”? “Nowhere” is the answer you are looking for. (Caveat: If you plan to eat after 5pm, you will have to find somewhere else, as this place shuts at a completely unreasonable hour for a caffe.)

A sign with "MillPoint caffe bookshop" on it. Is this the very same?

As you enter, you are greeted with a pleasant surprise. “What is this? A caffe and a bookshop?” – An astute question my faithful readers! You will be pleased to learn that the Mill Point Caffe Bookshop is not only a caffe, but also sells books. Not too shabby you thieves of the night. You accountants of charity. You damsels in this dress. This dress of dreams!

So many books, and if reading bores you to slumber, then coffee awaits mere steps from your drudgery-through-the-annals-of-literature.

Don't expect to be able to sit and read until the wee-hours of the morning. That's not their scene.

Patrons:

Oh my canine enthusiast readers! Weep now, for you will not be serenading your true love under the eves of the Mill Point Caffe Bookshop. Alas, alack, albino terrier-husky cross! No dogs are allowed into this caffe, not even a shitsu. Not even a beagle. No four-legged foul-breathed pup of thine shall enter onto this hallowed holy grounds. No dogs are allowed. Your crimes may go unpunished, but your dogs will go un-allowed. No dogs are allowed. No dogs… Are allowed.

The sign was all bark and no bite.

Don’t worry so much though. Bring him in if you insist!

No dogs allowed - I am a dog!

• Hello Mr. Puppy Dog. I trust your business is running smoothly.

He stands majestically, viewing his newfound territory, NO DOGS.

1. I hope your wife is in good health, and you are in good spirits.

All in a day's work...

1. A hard days work is its own reward when you are a working man. A man of business. A man of determination.
2. Puppy dear. You are so handsome. Lend me a fiver and I’ll be on my way!

Art:

This is not the city by night. It is, instead, a painting. The art at the Mill Point Bookshop Caffe was, for the most part, uninteresting… mostly. But this painting was quite nice.

"What a lovely view Jap!" "Why yes, it IS Fatty!"

Food:

These were some tasty rolls. Mine was a salmon roll. - Jap

The food, however, was interesting, and delicious (but deadly). Mouth-watering ham and salad rolls in crispy bread with avocado and prosciutto to boot. The bread was so crispy that I felt in danger of cutting my delicate palette on multiple occasions but my tough forrest mouth, hardened from years of acorn devouring, pulled me through. What an expedition, what a trial. The verdict: Guilty! (Of criminally good sandwiches )

The drinks were also pretty tasty, but they weren’t made “on-site”, so I suppose you could get them any-old-where.

Mmmm sweeeet.

Let us not forget this little guy either. The humble Turkish-bread vegetarian sandwich. Time may have forgotten you, but the Mill Point Bookshop Caffe hasn’t! Thanks for the memories Mill Point Bookshop Caffe. Thanks for the good times. If you closed a sight later you’d be A-OK, but you close too early. Too early for cake. Too early for interviews.

Too early for a good score in your review. Sorry sweet companion, but the truth is a harsh mistress, and she’s about to whip a few points off your tender nether-regions. Brace yourself!

Time to level the score:

- Fatty

• Food: Veggie toasted turkish roll - 8.5/10
• Drinks: Esprit soft drink – 6/10
• Staff: Not very available – 4.5/10
• Atmosphere: Just lovely thank you dear! – 8.5/10
• Decor: Incongruous – 7.5/10
• Patrons: Disobey orders – 8/10
• Internet: None to be mentioned – 0/10
• TOTARU: 6.1/10

- Jap:

• Food: 8.5/10 – Yum. So Yummy. Didn’t get to try the deserts unfortunately.
• Drinks: 6/10 – They didn’t offer anything unique
• Staff: 6/10 – Amicable, unmemorable.
• Atmosphere: 6/10 – Relaxing, unintrusive. Too near to a busy road. Not isolated enough from the surrounding suburbia.
• Decor: 8/10 – A couple of nice paintings, some posters. The bookstore gave it something special.
• Patrons: 8/10 – Doggy!
• Internet: 0/10 – I can only assume they didn’t offer any, so ZERO for you Mr. Mill Point Caffe Bookshop. (If that is your real name.)
• Tootooroo: 6.1/10

Big Summary: 6.1/10

We don’t often eat the savory sausage (sandwich), so it’s been a gas! ~Ciao~

Where'd you get those looks?

The Moon (Northbridge)

tl;dr: 7.35/10

~ Fly me to the moon and let me play my acorn ocarina among the stars…

The Moon's got what you want. The Moon's got what you want!

~ Let me see what boobs are like…

Boobies.

~ On motorbikes and mars…

How'd that get up there by that baby?

~ In other words, hide behind things with me, it’ll be grand…

Aren't we cheeky?

~ In other words, baby kiss me…

Hey bebe. Wanna go fo' a ride in mai neko busu?

~ Fill my heart with milkshakes…

Stretchy embarking on his climb to the summit of Mt. Strawberry.

~ Let me om nom nom for ever more…

This reallly takes the cake. GET IT????

~ You are all I armchair…

Stretchy shows off for the camera

~ All I video-games galore…

Oh no Jap. You look exhausted.

~ In other words, take a look at us two…

*GRIN*

~ In hatter words, “Pikachu! I choose you!” (I love you <3)

How barbaric. In this day and age.

1. :3
2. The Moon!

Jap: What can I say?

Stretchy: Allow me to interject!

If you like flying to the tops of giant camphor trees, you’ll be over the moon with this cafe!

• Battle you way through the intoxicated streets of Northbridge
• Overcome your objections to moon based cuisine
• Get ready to do the moon walk

Do you like fine art?

How many ladies can there even be?

Hey bebe. Wanna go for a ride in my easel?

They have some. (Did you notice?)

Do you like music?

You make a good public speaker totoro kun.

They have some of that too

Jap: Sloooooooow doooooowwwwwn!

When I said “What can I say?” it wasn’t a rhetorical question intended to provide an opportunity to segue into a tirade of… you. Jeez. No. I was just overcome with emotion. I was a little lost for words (Well, meaningful words I guess, because I did manage to ask the aforementioned question didn’t I?). The Moon touched me so profoundly that all I could think of was  Moon Moon Moon: What a boon! But I’m past all of that now.

• Firstly: What I can say is:

Me:

1. * Food: Wowzers. The food was great. They lose points for not making it themselves though. – 8.5/10
2. * Drinks: They don’t do a black chai… What good are they? Milkshake good I guess. – 6/10
3. * Decor: Next to Next Door this would be the next best decor – 9/10
4. * Staff: The pretty waitress was too shy to have a photo taken, but by George, the other guy will do anything [1] – 7.5/10
5. * Internet: Not surprisingly the moon has trouble getting internet access. I’ll give ‘em an even five point zero. – 5.5/10
6. * Total: 7.3 / 10

Stretchy:

1. Food: Chocolate mud cake, delicious! – 9/10
2. Drinks: Chocolate milkshake – 7/10
3. Decor: Retro as! – 7/10
4. Staff: Friendly and helpful – 7/10
5. Total: 7.5/10

GRANDE TOTALE: 7.4/10

Bye! ~waves~

The mother must be shattered that her baby got up there.

—

[1]:

Speedy Gonzales can't handle the onslaught of totoro that is Jap.